If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
