Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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