she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
