based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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