I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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