It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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