Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
