she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
