what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
