woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
