Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
