So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
