yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
if only i could text you this smell
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
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he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
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And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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