Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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