I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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