I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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