Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she looked like the before picture.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
