this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Randomize
