I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
