You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He has the fingertips of a God
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