finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
