yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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