I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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