i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
