I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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