So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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