Got a toothbrush?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
