We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
