Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
