one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
