If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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