I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
