I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup