Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
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Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor