I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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