I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
