My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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