everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
