Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
