Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
