my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Found the puke drawer
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
