This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
