I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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