Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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