He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
