Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
