Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
