So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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