you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
