My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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