Your face is a jimmy john
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.