i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
