I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
