Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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