Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
