I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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